Próxima Direita

There are minimal expectations in life that you absolutely must take for granted in order to function effectively. Your Uber driver knowing how to navigate with the app is one of them. It is non-negotiable and the whole world depends on this. Right?

With the world on fire, this seems to be the last thing I should be worrying about, but like an ostrich with head in the sand, I am focusing on banality to get through the days. Humor me on this account of an epic Uber fail in Lisbon this week.

We called for an Uber after arriving in Lisbon from London. This was not the first time we took an Uber in Portugal and so far the rides had been uneventful. The app said the car would arrive in six minutes. Not bad, we thought.

Two-tenths of a kilometer from the pickup point, the car turned right when it was supposed to go straight. That was the beginning of the saga. There must be a traffic issue, we assumed. At the roundabout when it was to go right, the car went left, away from the pickup point. Realizing the mistake, the driver made a u-turn but made the same mistake again!

And again!!

On the fourth attempt the Uber proceeded on a different route which blessedly had no turns. When the car finally reached us, we were beyond relieved.

Even though we were calm when we got into the Uber, in our heads we were screaming: which Uber driver doesn’t know how to pickup from an airport, why would you even want to drive an Uber without knowing that and how on earth can you not follow sat-nav directions?! For heaven’s sake, even I can do that and I think north is where my nose points to.

On the way out of the airport, the driver missed the first turn even as the app gave precise instructions. Tarun and I looked at each other with the same thought - we better direct this driver or else we will be circling in Lisbon for hours.

Our phone had cellular connection but only 15% charge at this point. We had to direct assertively. Almost immediately, we discovered that the driver didn’t speak any English! Right, left, straight made no sense. This Portuguese-speaking driver couldn’t follow directions in Portuguese in the Uber app either.

Enter Google Translate, stage left.

This became a game of how quickly we could read the map, type into Google, deliver the Portuguese translation while also gesturing by hand from the back seat and leaning in with our seat belts on.

Heart racing not knowing when to dive below the roundabouts and when to drive into them, we took chances and trusted our intuition.

Correction.

We trusted Tarun’s intuition because he has a PhD in maps.

Long story short, two hours after landing we got to our hotel six kilometers away. Tarun and I exited the car like our rear ends were on fire. The silver lining? Now we are fluent in giving directions in Portuguese which is most definitely going to be a huge plus in the USA!

Vá para a direita for go right; vá para a esquerda for go left; próxima direita for not this right but the next one and sig em frente for go straight.

Thank you Google for saving the day.

And what the unholy heck Uber?!

On the bright side, it is brilliant to get back home and be reunited with our car. Driving in a gorgeous winter wonderland was just what this ostrich needed to reset her.